2012 ended with a bang. But not the fireworks, bubbly and confetti kind of bang, more like you and the nurses in the ER are on a first-name basis kind of bang.
I stuck my heels in the ground of 2012 because of the change 2013 brought with it. Some change I knew of and the unpredictable I feared. Sometimes change is awesome. New places, new people, new adventures: the great unknown, the great perhaps.
Other times, change is not so great. Especially when it is happening everywhere around you, but you’re standing still. Roommates go back to the mission field, friends leave town for other jobs, people are getting married and having babies, or breaking up and moving out. You have to leave loved ones in the hospital and return to your home 1,000 miles away. And you’re thankful you have a month-to-month lease because you never know where you will be in 31 days.
I somehow tricked myself into believing that if 2013 never came, neither would the change.
If you’ll notice, it’s February and it’s the first time I’ve blogged this year. That goes against everything I’ve ever learned about writing, blogging, and building any kind of platform.
I broke the rules because I somehow thought I could get around this whole 2013 thing.
I broke the rules because I have been so caught up in my own swirl that I couldn’t bring myself to sit still long enough to write.
My dream, my passion, my outlet.
My radio silence came from a place I can compare only to having too much coffee and not enough food. All caffeine and no sustenance. And a place where I let resistance win because I was too tired of fighting.
After a tearful phone call and a trip to Nashville, God reminded me of a conversation we had a little over a year ago. Sitting on my bed at my parents house having returned from one pretty epic journey ’round the world, the weight of life in the first world hit me in the face.
Me: God, really, what do I do now?
God: Remember my promises, I will give you the desires of your heart.
Me: Yeah sure, ok. But right NOW. What do I do?
God: What have I put inside you? What is a gift you have that you can give away? What do you love, but are too scared to do?
Me: (eyes rolling) Write.
God: So write.
Me: Okay, God, if you want me to write, you had better figure out a way for that to happen because all I’m seeing are dead ends!
God: Trust me, Child.
Surprise! 2013 came and, in fact, we’re already over a month into it. Some changes came and some have yet to happen.
So here’s me getting vulnerable in front of you again. Saying I am sorry for the dead space since last December. Hoping that I have just enough faith in God, just enough people who care about me, and just enough passion for the thing to take the time to do what I love. To beat resistance and give what I have to anyone willing to receive.
Because when everything is swirling, you don’t give up on your dream.